LLI 57 Compassion Over Blame: Rewriting the Story of Difficult Relationships

00:00:00: Dee dee dee dee dee. With the taste of a poison paradise. I'm addicted to you. Don't you know that you're toxic?

00:00:11: You are still in the Love Louder podcast. It is iteration number 57. Britney Spears released this song "Toxic" in 2003.

00:00:22: And by now, the word "toxic" has become a buzzword. It's become a buzzword as in toxic people, toxic relationships, toxic friends, toxic parents.

00:00:38: And I hear it all along now. Let's put a pause in here.

00:00:43: Because what I think that we're very quick with labeling. As soon as we perceive someone not treating as well in a long-term manner, we say they're toxic. They're not good for us.

00:01:01: While we dismiss also our own side that we have maneuvered ourselves into that situation that we end up here in this relationship that is not good for us in this place of a relationship.

00:01:19: I want us to see that it is not only the other person that is toxic, because very rarely have I seen, if not never, that someone says I am toxic.

00:01:33: That my behavior is toxic. Have you ever seen that? No.

00:01:39: And that's here the point when we lack accountability with ourselves too, because no one is always an angel.

00:01:50: No one is always the perfect embodiment of our values, of friendship, of connection, of whatever you define a relationship to be connected with.

00:02:10: And when we say someone is toxic, it's often that it just, there is a different set of values that is not very compatible in its expression.

00:02:23: It's only the expression. It's not the set of values. It's the expression that conflicts with ours.

00:02:29: Because sometimes when we dive deeper, we can find out that we have the same values, that they're just expressed differently.

00:02:39: I want us to see that this also is only a snapshot, a snapshot that we get, even if it's for a longer period of time, even when you'd say that you're for weeks, months, years, decades in a relationship that you perceive as toxic.

00:03:01: It is still a snapshot of a life, of a time in life, of this person, of your life.

00:03:08: And I want us to see that it is us learning.

00:03:13: Both of the parties, we're talking like one-on-one relationships, but also groups.

00:03:19: Sometimes we label groups as toxic too.

00:03:24: There might be dynamics that are not very well meant, that are entering the spiral of pride and anger and being mean to each other, which does not feel well, which is not good.

00:03:40: We're not a very old human, but it does not do good on the climate of a group yet to label something as toxic right away.

00:03:50: It deprives us of the power that we have within, because we give it all away, also our responsibility, our ability to respond to the situation to the others.

00:04:03: Because at the moment we say, "They're toxic," we'd say, "We can't help it. They're like that. So what should I do?"

00:04:16: And that's the point where you give in to vixenhood.

00:04:20: That's the point when we start indulging in self-pity.

00:04:26: Now this is very clear and very tough to hear sometimes and very tough to say too.

00:04:37: And that's when people sometimes, when they come from a so-called toxic relationship, when they leave and they finally got the strength, it's sometimes that they say,

00:04:50: "I thought I was too weak for this relationship when I was in there, but actually I find out now that I'm too strong, I'm strong enough. I left."

00:05:06: And that's where it all switches when the perception of yourself switches too.

00:05:13: And it is too easy to fall into this notion, to use it all the time to say,

00:05:21: "Don't cut out the negative people out of your life that you say negative people, because it's just the trend to say they're negative and positive people."

00:05:30: Well, this is just people.

00:05:32: It is our own set of values, our own perception.

00:05:36: And also what we hear what other people say that we should do, then we start labeling someone else as good and bad.

00:05:46: And while it is important to differentiate, to put yourself in circumstances in environments where you can feel expanded, where you can learn,

00:06:00: where you feel that it generates more energy for you because it is just along your... what sparks your soul,

00:06:13: it can be a phase of avoiding, of not seeking actively out the company of people you feel are pulling you down.

00:06:29: Yet this is just the first step.

00:06:32: This is just the first step so we can clear on ourselves.

00:06:37: It's the first step to self-empowerment too, because when we're not stable enough for ourselves, when we're not grounded in our essence,

00:06:45: when we're not grounded in our views and values and for ourselves to know consciously, unconsciously that we're able to step up for ourselves,

00:07:02: it's better to remove ourselves from the situations where it's challenging, because that's basically what it is.

00:07:10: It's just challenging for us to keep our state.

00:07:14: It's not the others that they pull you down, but it's you who find it hard to keep your state, to let it in, to create that spaciousness that you are learning and the other one too.

00:07:33: And to nurture and cultivate that stability, it's good to seek out the circles where you feel connected, where you can just let yourself drop in and relax and nurture yourself and nourish your soul.

00:07:54: Yet this is not what the world is like, it's just a practice, it's for you to practice, to standing up for your own,

00:08:06: to be able to expand your own capacity to hold space inside yourself for your own emotions first of all, for everything that there is first of all,

00:08:17: for every moment of joy, for every moment of pain, for every moment of pleasure, for every moment of suffering, to be able to provide that space for yourself in full.

00:08:30: And that's where the spaciousness is developed and cultivated, where the spaciousness is expanded, there is room for compassion to raise,

00:08:41: there is room for you to enter into a relationship, to relate with somebody and having them having their own challenges too.

00:08:54: Because you do not get that tangled up anymore.

00:08:59: You can create the space through the spaciousness inside yourself and that is what true compassion for me is.

00:09:10: It is not pity, it is not salvation, it even not is empathy.

00:09:25: The compassion is the ability to hold that space for your own emotions first and this will create the space to be able to hold whatever the world brings you.

00:09:40: And then you automatically see it's very hard to then label someone else as being toxic because you will be able to see also that sometimes you would fall into this category too if you want to use it,

00:10:00: that they are learning, that you are learning, that they are in a different place than you are.

00:10:05: Compassion is not just like empathy that tries to feel the emotions of the other person first.

00:10:15: but still through the filter of our own lens,

00:10:17: compassion makes space to leave our own house

00:10:20: to sit in theirs.

00:10:21: And that requires

00:10:27: for us to be

00:10:30: certain of what is our essence,

00:10:37: to be certain of our self, which we can cultivate.

00:10:43: And here's the paradox.

00:10:45: When we have nourished the self certainty,

00:10:50: when we are grounded in our self,

00:10:52: it is very easy for us to leave that,

00:10:56: to put ourselves in different shoes,

00:11:00: to have that compassion,

00:11:02: to open up the space for someone else

00:11:05: because we know there's a place to return to.

00:11:10: (silence)

00:11:12: And we know that this too,

00:11:17: is just an expression of life of ourselves too.

00:11:23: Even the relationships that pop up in our vicinity,

00:11:28: that is our net, that is our community,

00:11:33: there are an expression of the creation of life

00:11:37: of yourself, of that essence,

00:11:39: that you radiate.

00:11:40: And sometimes to, until we get to this point,

00:11:50: we need guides and mentors to hold space for us first,

00:11:53: who have practiced it themselves,

00:11:57: the compassion, the spaciousness,

00:11:59: who are a little further along the way

00:12:01: to hold space for us,

00:12:02: so we can find it on our own.

00:12:05: And that's the beautiful thing

00:12:08: about having mentors and guides.

00:12:11: Because once you have allowed yourself to drop in,

00:12:19: into a space of mentorship,

00:12:21: or coaching or therapy,

00:12:24: it just really depends on what you need and what you want,

00:12:28: then you are able to cultivate that in your own,

00:12:33: to be your own mentor,

00:12:35: to be your own therapist, to be your own coach too.

00:12:39: That's how I see these positions of facilitators,

00:12:47: of mentors in like a broad sense,

00:12:51: are there for, that's what I understand.

00:12:54: That they are here

00:13:01: to provide the space for us,

00:13:04: for us to cultivate our own self- mentorship

00:13:09: and coaching and therapist,

00:13:10: therapeutic ways that we find our own medicine.

00:13:14: And that's where you can actually distinguish,

00:13:26: differentiate between one that,

00:13:30: like the work ethics,

00:13:32: one that is interested in profit

00:13:36: or one that is

00:13:37: based his or her, their services,

00:13:43: on actual service.

00:13:46: Because how I perceive it,

00:13:52: how I see it, how I work myself is,

00:13:56: your job is for the client

00:14:01: to leave you.

00:14:05: It's not about holding them,

00:14:11: retaining them as long as possible.

00:14:13: It's them to being able to leave.

00:14:19: It's nurturing their responsibility,

00:14:24: their ability to respond to life.

00:14:27: And when they come back,

00:14:29: it's gonna be more magical because

00:14:31: they come back as a different person.

00:14:34: They come back with a new challenge,

00:14:36: with a different challenge

00:14:37: that they say from a more empowered space,

00:14:41: that they say from a more self-centered space

00:14:45: as in not centered around the ego,

00:14:52: but a little more of service to themselves

00:14:56: and therefore to others and to the world,

00:14:59: that they say, "Hey, I need help in this point.

00:15:03: Can you provide the space for me

00:15:06: while I'm trying to work out

00:15:10: and I'm finding my own mental space,

00:15:13: my self-mental space,

00:15:14: where I struggle and I want to be able

00:15:19: to soften into a space

00:15:21: where I feel safe first,

00:15:23: because sometimes it's just about that,

00:15:25: that we do not feel safe,

00:15:27: that we do not feel certain about something,

00:15:31: and then we seek out the spaces

00:15:32: where we can show up with all our insecurity

00:15:36: and with all our fears and doubts and uncertainty,

00:15:40: where we know that it is okay to be human.

00:15:48: Just to find out later on that in life too,

00:15:52: it is okay to be human.

00:15:53: In fact, it's through these,

00:15:57: through this that the connections arise,

00:16:01: the human connections,

00:16:02: where we get relatable,

00:16:04: where we open ourselves up to the world, to friendship,

00:16:08: where we are able to be a good friend to the world.

00:16:13: (silence)

00:16:15: There's this view when,

00:16:23: where we go through the world I've heard

00:16:28: and see everything as a friend of ours,

00:16:33: and it's true for people,

00:16:37: it would be strangers are just friends

00:16:39: that we haven't gotten to know enough yet.

00:16:43: But also every living being and replant,

00:16:46: even the unanimated.

00:16:48: How would we show up then?

00:16:53: And what would we do if this,

00:16:58: this offer of friendship is not responded to?

00:17:04: Well, we just move on.

00:17:05: That is part of that compassion that we have cultivated

00:17:12: to see that they're just in a different place

00:17:16: and it's nothing about us.

00:17:19: And life provides us with experiences

00:17:28: to further our evolution on that path of compassion,

00:17:35: to see that ultimately,

00:17:40: we all are in the same pain.

00:17:42: While the expression looks different,

00:17:47: the suffering is exactly the same throughout humanity.

00:17:53: And that's where we tie it back to truth,

00:17:58: to God, to pure consciousness,

00:18:01: that what we have talked about and touched on

00:18:07: in the first episodes of this podcast,

00:18:10: that's where we bridge it all.

00:18:13: And you can see that it is our world,

00:18:20: our life is infused with it.

00:18:22: And sometimes we just forget

00:18:26: because we're so busy with labeling.

00:18:28: Have a sigh, have a sigh,

00:18:37: a moment of pause and release.

00:18:40: That's an invitation today for us.

00:18:47: Which labels are you using?

00:18:52: Not even if you can drop the labels,

00:18:57: just notice which labels are you using.

00:19:00: And sometimes it comes naturally

00:19:03: because then, like, when we get curious,

00:19:05: when our mind gets curious,

00:19:09: it's like it wants to experiment,

00:19:11: like, "Oh, let's see if I can drop it."

00:19:13: And sometimes it just happens through the question of,

00:19:16: "Oh, interesting.

00:19:17: Are we using this label?"

00:19:21: It's very often can be recognized when we say,

00:19:28: "Oh, this person is so-and-so," or, "We are so-and-so."

00:19:32: These are labels that we apply on ourselves too.

00:19:35: And sometimes it's good to notice.

00:19:39: Because these labels are trying to,

00:19:46: first of all, they try to box us.

00:19:51: And we use them to further something

00:19:55: which might not serve us anymore.

00:19:58: There's a time for anything.

00:20:00: So even this labeling,

00:20:02: have compassion with yourself.

00:20:04: This just is a phase two.

00:20:08: (breathing deeply)

00:20:10: Love yourself like a leader.

00:20:13: Love a little louder and go into the relationships

00:20:17: that you face, that you find yourself in,

00:20:21: leading like a lover.

00:20:23: Lots of love to you, Shang.

00:20:27: [ Silence ]