LLI 38 When There’s Nothing, You Chill: Trusting Through Uncertainty

00:00:00: The human mind is obsessed with control.

00:00:04: It is obsessed with securing your safety, your belonging.

00:00:12: It is obsessed with predicting, with finding causalities,

00:00:17: just to have the overview of over what is happening.

00:00:21: Well, you know that very well.

00:00:24: That is very often an illusion.

00:00:29: We are at iteration number 38 of the Love Louder podcast,

00:00:35: and his story from my career as an air-trippy controller.

00:00:42: I was sitting with my colleague in the evening shift.

00:00:47: It was close to the end of our shift, so we were quite relaxed.

00:00:53: Still, it was a thunderstorm in our area, near our area,

00:00:59: that meant increased workload,

00:01:02: but it was okay because we already had found our float work through it.

00:01:09: Now, what it also means is an increased amount of deviation

00:01:15: from the flight path of the airplanes, and turbulence,

00:01:21: and anything that could not be predicted.

00:01:25: As you know, the weather is not able,

00:01:29: we are not able to really predict the weather in a 100% case of being right.

00:01:36: Again, he shows control already.

00:01:39: So there's this aircraft showing up from an airliner,

00:01:42: and he reports turbulence.

00:01:45: He wants to change flight levels,

00:01:47: and he cannot say, "We cannot change yet.

00:01:50: Please wait two minutes, and then I'll give you a descent."

00:01:54: In phraseology of an air-trippy controller.

00:01:58: So it takes just a few more seconds,

00:02:01: and he says, "We need to descend now.

00:02:04: Severe turbulence."

00:02:06: Now, this is ringing all alarms in our heads.

00:02:09: My colleague too, because she heard it via the speaker.

00:02:13: What it means is, "Severe turbulence might cause icing on the wings of the aircraft.

00:02:20: It might then cause the disturbance of the airflow around the plane,

00:02:26: and because of that, the lift can break."

00:02:30: So what it just means is this plane has to get out of the severe turbulence

00:02:38: because the pilot might lose control over his aircraft and over the controls.

00:02:44: Okay, so there's still another aircraft crossing,

00:02:48: just very close, not yet below, but 2,000 feet below,

00:02:54: and approaching in about four minutes.

00:02:58: I had to decide now, and I decided to give him the turn,

00:03:02: to turn him away, to give him the descent.

00:03:05: My colleague needed to call the other sector to tell them to turn their aircraft

00:03:10: because it was not on my frequency in their sector,

00:03:13: because my aircraft was not in my sector.

00:03:17: So we had to take a lot of explosive action.

00:03:24: So there were many people involved.

00:03:28: The pilot from this aircraft, I was responsible for me, my colleague,

00:03:33: the other colleague, then of course the other aircraft,

00:03:37: and everything had to fall into place in a very immediate way,

00:03:43: in a very expeditious and efficient way,

00:03:46: to get them out of their ways while securing that they will be able to fly their plane

00:03:55: and that they will get out of each other's way.

00:04:00: When we did the calls, I talked to the pilot, I pointed him out the traffic,

00:04:05: I gave the traffic information, which was,

00:04:08: "Hey, look out in your 10 o'clock from left to right crossing,

00:04:12: by now by one mile, Ebbe Street 2-0,

00:04:16: look out 2,000 feet below right now, you're descending through his level."

00:04:21: And for the other aircraft as well, the other colleague did it.

00:04:24: And then there came, that was not the hard part,

00:04:27: but then came the hardest part.

00:04:31: It was waiting.

00:04:35: Waiting for the blips to change their direction,

00:04:43: for the label that displayed their altitude to change accordingly,

00:04:50: and for those little squares that represented the aircraft and 150 people in each,

00:05:02: to make their turn away from each other,

00:05:08: from that converging track to change to a diverging track.

00:05:14: And it took an eternity, felt.

00:05:19: So I was looking at the screen, I was pointing out the traffic,

00:05:23: my colleague looked out the screen, telephone on her ear,

00:05:30: with the other colleague in contact, and they passed.

00:05:44: We could not do anything, then wait and stay.

00:05:49: And that's probably the hardest thing for an air traffic controller to do,

00:05:54: to not take action, to not snap into the next plan,

00:05:59: to not have the plan B, this plan C ready, the plan D ready,

00:06:03: to wait for the plan that is set up that we decided for to play out,

00:06:12: and trust in the ability of any other member,

00:06:19: and any other person and machine involved to do their job.

00:06:30: Now, do you recognize that from your life too?

00:06:35: Because it's not only hard for someone who trained for it professionally on the radar

00:06:41: to have control, it is also very often found for us in our life.

00:06:51: How we go about life, because we want to know the information.

00:06:55: That's one of the top three things we crave as human beings,

00:06:59: as information, as entertainment, as belonging.

00:07:04: And we try to control our supply for that, to secure it for that.

00:07:11: So, if we do not have a lot of information, we want to ask, we get curious,

00:07:17: we go into the internet, we read the news, we talk to other people.

00:07:22: If we crave for connection, we go outside, we ask a friend,

00:07:27: we talk to our colleagues, and even if we find ourselves being in a mood

00:07:33: of not being very sociable, there will come a time that we actually have to interact

00:07:38: just out of a need, because the human needs connection.

00:07:52: And then if we're not entertained, we'll watch a movie,

00:07:56: we'll stream online music, we'll go into the internet

00:08:01: and dive into the rabbit hole of entertainment.

00:08:04: That is a very vast space there.

00:08:09: And we try to control it, because what happens when we lose that internet connection, for example?

00:08:16: What happens when our phone breaks?

00:08:19: What happens if the Wi-Fi doesn't work when we come to a place

00:08:24: where the Wi-Fi does not work, or they have none?

00:08:28: We get mad, we get curious, we get asked, we get asking around the neighborhood

00:08:34: where we could get access to Wi-Fi.

00:08:37: How long can we actually spend without that internet connection?

00:08:42: Nowadays, it's internet, because it supplies us so much with information, entertainment, and connection.

00:08:49: And we get distracted by that.

00:08:58: That's the hardest thing for us to stay in a situation and trust and let it be,

00:09:08: and know if we have not cultivated it, at least intellectually, that everything is taken care of.

00:09:17: And not jump into that motive, "But I have to do this, but I have to do this, I want to do this."

00:09:25: For human beings, it feels more comfortable to jump into action, actually, than to stay with whatever there is.

00:09:33: There are studies about when you get into the traffic jam, and while on, let's say,

00:09:43: you would measure the distance and the time from cameras and surveillance,

00:09:48: and it would make more sense to just stay in the traffic jam, move very slowly,

00:09:53: or just stay there and get stuck in part, and then move like how the whole thing of cars moves.

00:10:03: It would be easier, first of all, and it would be quicker than to take a detour.

00:10:08: Now, what we do is we take the next detour and then we get into another traffic jam,

00:10:13: and in the end it takes longer.

00:10:15: But it feels better for our nervous system, for our human, because we are actually moving.

00:10:22: We think that we can do something about it.

00:10:24: We think we control the situation by deciding that we have to leave it now.

00:10:28: So that's one of the two notions that we get.

00:10:32: Either we try to avoid it, we try to repress what there is, to hide, to run,

00:10:39: or we get aggressive, we get attacking, that's saying we get into action.

00:10:53: Now, what about staying?

00:10:56: What about relaxing into the situation?

00:11:02: Because what?

00:11:04: True leadership, the best decisions are made from a relaxed state.

00:11:10: The one who is most relaxed, he's the leader in a group,

00:11:15: and it doesn't matter who it is formally.

00:11:22: Because then, from a neutral space, from a relaxed space,

00:11:27: we are able to see all the possibilities, we are open to ideas coming in.

00:11:36: And we do not fall victim to our own reactive patterns, which are either fight or flight,

00:11:45: either avoid, repress or attack, or aggress.

00:11:54: Because then, when we're in this neutral space, we are open for true connection, because we're

00:12:04: not caught up in ourselves.

00:12:06: It's that what I understand under erotic leadership, because it opens the place for real intimacy

00:12:16: also with the pain, also with the need and the urgency that is there, just without being

00:12:23: absorbed by it.

00:12:26: Because you can relax into your body, you can relax your muscles.

00:12:30: And when you relax your muscles, it's going to tell your brain that it's okay, we're

00:12:36: experiencing a very urgent situation here, yet we can relax into it to breathe out.

00:12:51: Because anytime we experience that fear, that stress in a negative way, that one that agitates

00:13:04: us into going into action or freezing, we breathe in, we breathe in, we breathe in,

00:13:10: we inhale, we inhale, but we forget to exhale.

00:13:21: There's a huge misconception around facing your demons and facing your shadows around.

00:13:28: For someone, for some people, it means to heal your traumas, to dig deeply in what went

00:13:35: wrong in your past, to dig deeply in what might be hidden in, let's say, in the cellar

00:13:44: of your very own house, to find out that you're not worthy or why you're not worthy or where

00:13:54: you picked it up to believe, "Well, this can be work that is supporting for you.

00:13:59: We can also get obsessed by it."

00:14:01: Because what?

00:14:02: The drama is fascinating.

00:14:05: We are fascinated by the drama.

00:14:07: We are fascinated in movies, in the theater, when there is drama.

00:14:14: And if there wouldn't be drama, we would not go there.

00:14:19: It would be boring for us, wouldn't it?

00:14:26: So we can be fascinated with our own drama as well and just get caught up without noticing

00:14:32: it.

00:14:32: And eventually, either way, we get into the rabbit hole, we find one drama, then the next

00:14:45: one, then the next one, then the next one.

00:14:47: And we can use them as stepstones for our evolution too, for the change of our human

00:14:52: being when there will be a point that you might find out that, "Oh, the more I dig,

00:15:01: the more I'll find."

00:15:05: If you're searching for something, you'll find it.

00:15:07: If you're searching for drama, you'll find it.

00:15:11: A test can only test what the test tests.

00:15:15: The test tests.

00:15:18: You know, when you have your focus on a certain area, you will expand this area.

00:15:24: Now, if you search for truth, truth will find you.

00:15:26: It's the same exact thing.

00:15:28: It just depends on how you use your brain.

00:15:33: You use your brain and then you let go of it.

00:15:36: You just acknowledge the patterns of it without digging deep.

00:15:40: You can relax your muscles, your physical muscles without questioning where that feeling

00:15:46: came from, why it built up, what happened to it, what led to it, who was involved, what

00:15:52: your role was in this whole play.

00:15:56: You can only observe that there's tension building up in your body and then you can

00:16:09: relax the muscles.

00:16:12: It's easier said than done.

00:16:14: I know because that's our tendency as a human being.

00:16:18: Now, what I learned as an air traffic controller in that 10-year career was to relax.

00:16:26: That's the main thing, to chill.

00:16:29: There was this situation when I was still a trainee on board, relatively new, and I had

00:16:36: my coach by my side.

00:16:38: And then I was waiting for the next traffic to come on frequency.

00:16:43: I was preparing the plans and there was not much traffic there to expect in that traffic

00:16:50: situation.

00:16:51: Yet I just was there all hunched over, just crawling into the radar screen wanting to

00:16:58: know what comes next.

00:17:00: And my coach just leaned back and said, "Shang, when there's nothing, you chill."

00:17:09: Ah, okay.

00:17:16: So I let go of the tension.

00:17:18: It relaxed me immediately because it was all in my mind, the expectation of the tension

00:17:26: of the work to come.

00:17:30: And that's how we started off first.

00:17:32: We worked without expectations and then we will be able to relax in the situations themselves

00:17:38: while being active.

00:17:46: And it's not that it's only at our workplace like that, we can easily, easily, not so easy,

00:17:57: but simply just transferred to other areas of our life too, in our relationship.

00:18:03: What is it what we're working with, a worry that we anticipate, that is to come, or a

00:18:09: past event that happened that we're still dragging with us, building up the tension

00:18:15: in our shoulders very often, in our jaws, in our hips, clenched fists, rounded shoulders.

00:18:28: Do we want to hide?

00:18:31: You can scan your body right now, right in this moment when you're listening.

00:18:37: Where's tension that you can let go without asking?

00:18:40: What came from?

00:18:41: Just let it go.

00:18:42: And you do that by just putting your awareness onto it.

00:18:47: And you can feel that the muscles melt already, don't you?

00:19:01: The most uncomfortable place for everyone is this uncertainty that we find ourselves in

00:19:10: when we do not know what to do.

00:19:17: Either we do not know right from the first place, or we do not know because we've tried

00:19:27: everything we know, and it's not because there is a solution we have to find, or that needs

00:19:40: to be found by us, it's because we're not very good at sitting with uncertainty.

00:19:49: Well, this exactly is the essence of our lives, the uncertainty that everything changes that

00:19:58: you one day will say, "I could not believe I did that.

00:20:02: I could not imagine the life I'm living right now."

00:20:08: That is uncertainty and it's hard for us to sit with it in the moment.

00:20:16: It's easier to look back and say, "Well, that was a point I didn't know.

00:20:24: Now can we lean into this not knowing and relax our body?"

00:20:33: That is the golden question.

00:20:42: And I know very well as you that this is hard, that we want to find solutions, that we think

00:20:50: we need to work for happiness, that we need to earn, that we need to do an action to have

00:21:00: a certain outcome.

00:21:02: Well, it is true for the realm of business, for the realm of yes, you need to take out

00:21:12: the dishes from the dishwasher and then you will find the dishwasher empty.

00:21:19: But it can also be that you just leave it there and then someone else will just pick

00:21:23: it out or it's going to get broken and you go out eating.

00:21:35: That's all solutions.

00:21:36: We do not have possibilities and ideas we cannot see when we find ourselves in a reactive

00:21:43: moment.

00:21:46: That's when we leave our true leadership, that is erotic, that is intimate, that is

00:21:53: in connection to everything because we are everything.

00:22:04: So there is no connection even needed.

00:22:18: Okay, I'll leave it for this today.

00:22:24: My invitation to you, let it sink.

00:22:26: That was a little bit intense.

00:22:30: And I don't believe that we get any deeper than that than the human fear of that uncertainty.

00:22:44: There is nothing that I know of that scares us most, that scares me most.

00:22:52: And if you know, tell me and for now just let's sit with it together.

00:23:01: Love, Vauda.

00:23:06: Lots of love to you.

00:23:09: Shine.

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